Gifts for the apocalypse

As you are no doubt aware, Canberra will shortly be inundated by zombies. Is anyone even surprised?

By way of preparation for the coming apocalypse, my mother gave me a gift:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not a weapon – it’s Aloe Vera, a living medicine. It’s good for minor burns (so VERY good for me – in fact I burned my thumb within days of getting this particular plant), is a mild antiseptic, and if all else fails it’s non-toxic (which, as everyone who ate crayons as a child already knows, is a synonym for “edible”).

To use an aloe vera plant, just cut off and/or slice open one of the leaves, and smear it directly onto the burn. For those curious about the taste, it is almost completely tasteless. (Sidebar: many many years ago, as a child, I overheard my grandmother talking to my mum about the many good properties of aloe vera, and she used the word “semisweet”. Thrilled at the idea of a new junk food, I immediately ran out to her greenhouse and ate a bit. It was extremely disappointing. Such is life.)

Another great zombie-ready plant is the willow tree. The bark is, literally, where aspirin comes from. Women chewed on the bark thousands of years ago to ease the pain of childbirth (it tastes awful, but at least you’d have pain relief options after getting a nasty bite in your arm from your zombified room-mate).

My long-term anti-zombie plan is to grow a variety of fruits and vegetables in my yard, and thus cover many of my important dietary needs (so far I have olives, lemons, and mint). I’d keep chickens for protein, but they smell – so I’ll have to turn cannibal*. Oh well.

This Christmas, don’t forget to analyse your gifts in the light of the coming zombie apocalypse. Tinned goods, edible plants, and weapons are the gifts most likely to keep your loved ones alive.

How are your own zombie preparations coming along?

*Obviously I wouldn’t dream of eating the cats. That would be wrong.

4 thoughts on “Gifts for the apocalypse

  1. Aloe is also excellent for scarring – and things like stretchmarks. So a very pertinent gift. Although, my memory of eating aloe has a distinctly nasty taste! Only eat the clear jelly in the middle, the green outside bits and any coloured sap taste aweful!!!

    • Ann: Huh! I had no idea the outer part of the leaf tasted nasty. Thanks for the warning. You can come stay in my bunker anytime.

  2. I love the Aloe Vera drinks you can get in the Asian food stores imported from Korea. They’re delicious! I suspect the taste isn’t actually Aloe Vera at all, but they have the pulp in, and it has a great texture.

    • W: Yes, the texture is definitely the representative part of those drinks. Aloe Vera pulp is a little like the bubbles in bubble tea.

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